(Re)Introducing the Fearless Fe*

Since my first week back at home for the winter break, I've been itching to write a blog. Every idea sat comfortably within the realm of nostalgia, recalling stories from my childhood that I had been reminded of from catching up with friends, visiting old stomping grounds, and digging through old journals and scrapbooks. What did I make of these memories? That I'm envious of my younger self, and not just because of the crystal clear, acne-free skin I had. Baby Felicia was pretty damn fearless, and I'm totally jealous, because slowly but surely, that confidence and self-assuredness was chipped away, as it does with everyone.

My creative quirks became embarrassing after I wanted to go by the name Fe* and a kid at school promptly asked "Fe*?! What kind of name is THAT?" (Upon retrospect, maybe not the most sensible name, but give me a break, I was in 3rd grade!)

My feministic approach with guys wavered after asking a boy to go to the movies with me and rejected me -- over AIM no less!

My time to get dressed doubled after getting questions of why I had purposely chosen to wear different colored socks.

Isn't that kind of a bummer?

Something else I made of these memories? I'm freaking scared to graduate college.

There, I said it.

All of the memories, the reminiscing, the nostalgia; they are all currently acting like a security blanket as I get closer and closer to moving my tassel from one side to another and making some version of this face to my mom:

I truly have no idea what I'm doing after college. I'm actually okay with not knowing what I am going to do. It's more that I'm nervous to enter this scary, eternal version of summer. The chant, "No more pencils, no more books! No more teachers' dirty looks!", was fine when it only pertained to 80 days of summer, but now it's applying to the rest of my life. The structure I've known for 17 years will be gone.

I may be working a 9 - 5 job every day, strategizing a brand's social media presence, or I could be living out of a suitcase as I tour with a Broadway show company. I'm not even freaked that those two careers are completely different from each other, I'm freaked about the one thing they have in common: it means that I will no longer feel like a kid. For some reason it feels like this serious ceremonial severing between childhood and adulthood -- quick, someone get Al Roker and the guy with the scissors who begins the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade!

For the sticklers: Yes, I know his name is Robin Hall, and yes, I know he no longer cuts the ribbon.

Completely separate from my winter break of nostalgia:

At the beginning of 2012, Ann Shoket -- the Editor-in-Chief of Seventeen Magazine challenged her twitter followers (via her assistant Berna) to choose one word to be their mantra for the year. That year I chose "action" and that was the same year I got my first internship with DoSomething.org. I've been choosing year mantras religiously ever since.

2012:

2013:

As if I could have planned it any better, my one word mantra for 2014 is FEARLESS. When I first chose this word I wanted to push myself, and face the post-grad unknown head first. But after this winter break, it is going to mean so much more. I want be true to myself. I want to be like fearless little ol' Fe*, with her mismatched socks and all.

xx

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Today was my last first day of school. Ever.
(Unless, of course, I decided to buy into that whole grad school idea...)

You would think since last night was the 17th first day of school eve that I've experienced, I'd be calm, cool, and collected. Oh, how wrong you would be. After scrambling around preparing for things, I lied in bed for at least half an hour, reminiscing on the my 16 year relationship with the one and only: education.

As I tossed, turned, and ferociously adjusted my pillow to its cooler side, it seemed like every memory from the past 16 years rushed to my brain; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

From organizing four of my friends and myself into the Hayes Elementary School version of the Spice Girls (the good - 1st grade), to the day I ate a whole tin of cinnamon altoids and promptly got strep throat (the bad - 5th grade), to the bright blue velvet track suit covered in stars and moons I frequently wore (the ugly - 4th grade).

Spice Girls in training

From the first time I experienced the joys of socializing during passing period (the good - 6th grade), to the backlash I got after I broke up with my first boyfriend over AIM, which I will admit, was pretty harsh (the bad - 7th grade), to basically every outfit I wore in middle school, especially the carefully crafted placement of my puka shell necklace hanging out of my navy blue Mickey Mouse hoodie (the ugly - all grades).

Note the omnipresent puka shell necklace and the signature Felicia pose

From winning best personality with my good pal Ben Koch (the good - 12th grade), to failing my first written driving test (the bad - 10th grade), to the hideous hodge-podge outfits that new dance team members had to wear for initiation (the ugly - 9th grade).

Best Personality, clearly

On top of these outfits we had to dance whenever someone asked us to...

And there so many more in between.

The best moments I thought of? The graduations from 5th grade, 8th grade, and 12th grade. By far my top three years of school so far, graduating from each of those grades was just the sweet, sweet icing on the cake. With remembering distinct moments from each graduation, I definitely smiled in between my glances at the clock to see how little sleep I was going to get. Getting pulled into a hug by Principal Thompson (5th grade), watching our rememberance video (8th grade), and holding back my tears after I finished my graduation speech to CRHS's class of 2010 (12th grade).

Alan Grove and I winning CR's Citizenship Award!

With all of those, I did feel a sense of finality, but I felt excitement more than anything. I knew I would be diving into this new, large pool that would be even bigger and even better than the last. But this morning, as I was putting on make-up and singing along to Black Eyed Peas' "Where is the Love?" (a ritual I've had since 6th grade), I couldn't help but feel a little scared and sad. I can't help but think that this will be the last time I do anything related to school. I can't help but cling on to this last year with all my might. Maybe it's because there isn't another institution of higher learning to head off to. I'll be heading into the real world armed with only #hashtags and tap shoes, and wow, it's a scary feeling. This new, large pool looks dark and deep, and naturally I'm hesitantly dipping one toe in, rather than just diving right in.

I want to soak this last year in. The mornings I wake up so late I rush out of the house without giving my looks a second thought (the ugly), the tests I fill out with only the guidance of "Well the last time I filled in A was three questions ago, so it seems reasonable that this answer might be A, too," (the bad), and those days where I nail a triple pirouette, where my mind is blown by a class discussion, where I learn, expand, and grow (the AMAZING).

Last first day of school with my amazing roomie Sean!

I'm going to soak it all in, and then, I'm going to cannonball.

Love Is Never Having To Say You're Sorry

Love is a funny thing in New York City. Or should I say; attraction is a funny thing in New York City.

Here's a breakdown of the levels of attraction I've experienced:

1) The Subway Eye Flirtation
Your eyes meet on a crowded subway, over the shoulder of a mom being clung to by a baby, past the right earlobe of someone listening to music; your eyes lock. Then they quickly shift away. Then you look back. Ah! They are still looking at you. Now downwards at your shoes. And back, but damn they are focused on wiping the sweat off their brow. Maybe they are trying to make themselves more presentable for you?

The subway eye flirtation is a favorite of mine, because it is non-committal yet deliciously entertaining. You feel good because they are checking you out, they feel good because you are checking them out. Everybody wins!

2) The Street Holler
It's the end of the day, you just climbed the stairs after a 35 minute train ride, and it begins. "Hola chica, que paso?", "Muy bonita, mama", "Mi amor, mi amor!". You adjust your earbuds, permafix a frown to your face, and march on down the street.

It's like Vanessa sings in "It Won't Be Long Now" in In The Heights, "The boys around the way holler at me when I'm walking down the street / Their machismo pride, doesn't break my stride / It's a compliment so they say." Okay great, another ego boost. However, these just seem lewd. Maybe it's because I'm not 100% sure what they are saying (WHY did I take French over Spanish?), maybe it's because I've never really experienced this kind of attention (Vancouver guys certainly haven't whistled at me on the street), or maybe it's just because I feel somewhat objectified (Thanks Theater and Dance classes!). It just seems a little absurd. I mean, I've gotten a marriage proposal before... Really? A girl you've seen for less than 30 seconds and you think she's the one to marry?

3) The Real Grown Up Dating
You meet up at the predetermined time and place. The basics are covered: where you grew up, where you went to school, family, your professional future (and only your professional future, your romantic future is taboo!). You discuss things you have in common, things you don't have in common, and if you're lucky, only a few awkward pauses.

Or you get stood up. Cute.

4) The Bicycle Built For Two
Basically the happy montage section of a rom-com. Exploring the city together, sharing Big Gay Ice Cream Monday Sundaes together, taking touristy photos together, loving life together.

This level of attraction is so fun. It's like nothing is the world can touch you. Sometimes I crave the affection of the level four attraction; the finger linking, the gentle kisses, the late night life talks. But on the other hand, there is something extremely freeing and exciting about not having to answer to anyone but yourself. That's what NYC has given me this summer. A chance to "do me". I've been doing independent, single, 21 year-old me, and as cheesy as that feels to read, it feels even better to live it.

And while I do appreciate the quote from Love Story that titles this post, I think we can all agree there are times when you hurt someone you care about, and you have to apologize. But when it's you, just you, you never have to apologize for being yourself.

New York City, the sequel.

In Theaters Now!

Put on your seat belts, ladies and gentlemen, for this post is going to be a doozy.

I first must take a moment to apologize to my loyal readers, who had been religiously following these posts (hey mom!), for not updating since March. But now that I'm back in New York, I've had a request to chronicle my life and the brouhaha that is likely to be this summer. I had already been scolding myself for not writing more, but after the NYC/Spring Break post, life got CRAY-CRAY. Just three mere days after I wrote that post I had to spend the night in Nashville, alone! A snowstorm delayed my flight from NYC so I missed my Nashville-Austin connection and had to sleep for six hours in a scary big (albeit suuupes comfy) bed in some random hotel ALONE. Talk about our 20s being a time to grow up.

I also threw myself into Theater and Dance when I got back. Our department hosted this AH-MAZING New Works Festival and my responsibilities with the end-of-the-semester musical theater performance peaked.

The 202 (the apartment I share with Sean!) became the social hub for our friends, and we spent many a night staying up til 4am, laughing, reenacting musicals, and me surreptitiously trying to sleep. (Didn't work-- my so-called "friends" even stole my mattress one night.)

Then I spent time in the good ol' Couve, where I caught up with my best friend, my fave local ice cream shop, and some much needed time with my pillow. I should have caught up on my posts also, but I'll be honest, eating s'mores and watching Gilmore Girls sounded a lot better at the time.

But now I'm back in that city that never sleeps, and it just feels right! NYC is where I took my first baby steps into the blogging world, and now that I've returned, it'll be easy to slip right in again.

It's funny, during my first couple days back in the city, I realized I needed to readjust back to several of my NYC-ccentric tendencies. I had remembered that since I'm in the same neighborhood that people would talk to me in Spanish because they think I'm Dominican, and I actually think it's really cool. But I had forgotten that I don't have to self-consciously try to hide my thick thighs when wearing shorts because there are girls that are the same shape as me. I forgot that I don't have to search high and low for hair products because there are girls that have the same hair as me. I forgot that you don't have to say sorry when you bump into someone on the sidewalk. And I certainly forgot how tiring the city is.

Let's do a quick recap of this past week's highlights:

*Attended Chicago night at Below 54 with my friend Jennifer
*Fan-girled over Adam Pascal at Chicago night
*Second first day of summer internship at DoSomething.org
*Drinks after work with one of DS's graphic designers, Keri, and the oh-so talented performer, Kyle Scatliffe
*Made Kyle serenade me with "Felicia Green Eyes" (formerly "Sarah Brown Eyes") from Ragtime
*Celebrated DS's 20th birthday in a major way:
     -Sang along while Hanson performed
     -Received cell numbers from two guys in 15 minutes (a first for me..)
     -Bonded with new interns and saw/laughed/danced with old interns
     -Went karaoking (which is much better when you are 21 and with the DS staff)
*MY FRIEND JENNIFER WON TONY AWARDS STUDENT RUSH TICKETS!
*Wore an XXL T-shirt and yelled #fitchplease outside of the flagship Abercrombie store.

...and those were just the highlights. So now I'm in bed, enjoying this luxury of, well, doing nothing. Even Wonder Woman has nights off.

I'll admit I might have been a little nervous that this summer wouldn't live up to the summer that never slept. I mean, they say that good things come in pairs, but in my experience, that isn't always the case. Thing 1 and Thing 2? Two people obnoxiously making out on public transportation? And don't even get me started on Grease 2. However, if this first week is any indication of how the rest of this summer is going to go, I have no reason to worry. I can already tell this will be a sequel I enjoy, like National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets. Love me some Nicholas Cage and Justin Bartha!

xx

How Do You Measure A Year?

In daylights? In sunsets? In midnights? In cups of coffee?

Or maybe how your level of comfortability while riding the New York subway?

It's crazy to me to think that it was merely one year ago, that I was here in New York City for the first time by myself. Even though I was so excited by the city and felt like I belonged, there was still a sense of uncomfort and nervousness within me. And on top of that, it was exactly 365 days ago that I watched Sister Act in The Broadway Theatre, then trekked off on the R train to stay with a friend in Brooklyn. Or so I tried. The R train was down for maintenance and the panic on my face triggered a young man to help me get to my destination. If it hadn't been for him, I may still be stuck on the Union Square subway stop. Flash forward to this March 15: I watched Cinderella in The Broadway Theatre, then trekked off to the R train to stay with a friend in the Lower East Side. I accomplished the endeavor with ease and comfort. Here I am writing this blog.

You can measure a year with birthdays, holidays, school years, but returning to NYC a year after my first lone experience of the city opened my eyes to how much I have grown in the past year. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. I hate to admit that all those times our parents have told us "you really find out who you are in your 20s" they were right, but they were. This probably means they are also right in the sense that will miss taking college classes after the fact, but I'm finding this one seriously hard to believe. I do believe that my core values, my "essence", my Felicia-ness, has been there since December 26, 1991 and will be with me until I peace out, but it's exciting to see the change and growth in my life since this time last year. I feel like there is a newfound confidence and it came from me taking that leap out of my comfort zone and spending the summer in the city by myself.

This city is the best. Ever. There's this energy that can't really be explained-- you have to experience it. And I feel like the best time to experience it is in your 20s. It's the time where sleep isn't high on the priority list (okay it's way high on the priority list but for some reason we all go without it anyways), and you can just ride that constant wave of energy until you crash, take a power nap, then do it all again. My friends Ja'Michael and Jelisa were able to experience this energy for the first time during this spring break, and I was so happy we met up and I was able to be a part of it and see the excitement of their first visit!

It was also great to be a part of the UT seminar for the second time, and feel prepared and professional. I was a part of the journalism group and it was AWESOME. We visited The New York Times, Vanity Fair, Sports Illustrated, The Huffington Post, ABC News, CNN, BuzzFeed, and Food Network Magazine. I made some new friends that I can tell will be good friends, and was able to reunite with the fabulous folks of DoSomething.org that I love so much.

I'm not sure if I can accurately expresse how alive this city makes me feel, but I can say how much it has influenced this past year for me. In some ways, it has been there for me to daydream about during Biology for non-majors, and in other ways, it has seriously altered my future. In the past 525,600 minutes, I have measured my life in New York City.

xx

@yournamehere

If it isn't obvious, I'm obsessed with all things social media. You can often find me at my computer resembling something of this nature:

Facebook, twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, tumblr, all those fun things. There's nothing I love more than thinking up a witty caption for a photo or an amusing 140 character anecdotes about one of my mundane life events.

I think a lot of people, like myself, like the community that's created through social media. Aside from cyber bullying and those annoying people who just like to pick fights on Facebook walls, people can really connect with people to feel more included and less isolated. Especially now that people are really increasing their live tweeting of national events (Obama's second inauguration, Oscar's, etc) and using an excessive amount of #hashtags, people can easily access what you have to say.

Like those photos take during the weekends that show how seriously you are taking your duty to drink legally? We're all applying for internships and jobs and guess what-- they DEFINITELY google you and look at your twitter. When pictures of your ratchet Thirsty Thursday comes up on your feed, they'll be like that US Olympic gymnast and will not be impressed.

So what info do we put on which social media platforms? A lot of my friends will post personal things on twitter and then keep facebook nice and tidy because they have parents and other relatives on there. I personally like to keep twitter for professional networking stuff (and don't forget those anecdotes about my life events!) and leave my personal musings to facebook.

I'm not sure if there is a right or wrong way to do social media, but this is just a friendly reminder to be conscious of what you put on your social media because you never know who is going to see it. And a reminder to not use hashtags on facebook, because that just irks everyone.

xx

Ima Buy U A Drank?

I'll be the first to admit I'm still a newbie to the alcohol world. I didn't go crazy and do massive amounts of drinking my first two years of college, and the only alcoholic drinks I could/can name are ones from movies and Caribou Lou by Tech N9ne.

"Oh, I'll have a cosmo." -Sex and the City
"Two martinis please, and make Mr. Parker's a double."-The Parent Trap
"I'll have a Grey Goose Martini, two olives, dirty."-Sweet Home Alabama
"Two double seven and sevens."-Bridesmaids
"151 rum, pineapple juice, Malibu..." -Caribou Lou

But seriously, when did everyone learn about different alcohol and drinks? Was that a class I missed freshman year? Even on my 21st birthday, after I ordered my Cosmopolitan, my friends had to help order as I decided what kind of taste I liked. The verdict: fruity and sweet so I can barely taste the alcohol. How cute and precious I am.

I'm not ashamed that I didn't drink before my 21st birthday, but it's just a weird transition going from zero to twenty-one in one birthday. With a lot of my friends turning 21 now, we're going to celebrate their birthdays and I still have no idea what to order. It's also all so expensive! I'm not made of money! The most recent birthday of my friends took place this last week, and we went to Chili's happy hour, which helped me save some face because they had margaritas and I certainly know about margaritas. Or at least I thought I did. When the bartender asked what flavor, I excitedly pointed to the marchino cherries and said "I really like those...can I have some of those in it?!" The innocence, the innocence!


I also get really nervous buying alcohol in the grocery store. It's weird, it's almost like buying condoms or a first bra, trying to avoid eye contact and paying as fast as you can without giggling from embarrassment.

So clearly, alcohol and I won't be making BFF bracelets anytime soon, but hopefully one day I can actually order a real drink without hesitation, because right now, starting :26 and on is an accurate portrayal of my life: